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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Let's get serious, if you will.

This is 285lbs. I am always told I don't "look" like I weigh that much. Really? So instead of looking like a fatty, fatty, fatty I'm just a fatty, fatty? Thanks.

My weight did a major jump at 2 points in my life. The first was when Matt (the hubs) & I moved in together. We had two totally different eating habits and instead of sticking to those or making a nice blend of the two, I found myself just eating what he liked. Mainly because I didn't cook but also because I was really too lazy to care. I was 19 and under the belief that I would never need to diet and exercise. At the time I was 175lbs. On my 5'7" frame, it looked great and I carried it well. However, Matt's eating style didn't sit well with my body and I gained. I got up to about 225-235lbs. I'm not exactly sure as I refused to weigh myself. EVER. The other major weight gain in my life was when my dad was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. I was a girl who's daddy was her hero. Even at 20 years old, I still believed he was Superman. So, when he was diagnosed and we learned that he literally had months left and there wasn't anything anyone could do, I turned to food. I ate constantly. It was how I "comforted" myself. When Daddy passed away 9 months later, I was at 285lbs. The biggest I had ever been. 

During all of this, since shortly after I first moved in with Matt, my period started going all crazy. I'd go 3 or 4 months and never have one and it honestly NEVER dawned on me that something could be wrong. I just figured it was stress or the weight gain. It wasn't until after Matt & I were married; a little over a year after my Daddy passed away, that I finally went to the doctor. The main reason I finally went was because I had health insurance. The first gyno I went too took one look at me and said "It's Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome." She never did any tests or anything. As she was explaining what PCOS was, I guess the look on my face worried her. She was real quick to add "Honey, it's a SYNDROME. This is not permanent, this does not define you. If you drop some weight & eat healthy, you will get rid of this." Naturally, my response to that diagnosis was to eat....A LOT. I then decided that she didn't know what she was talking about so I went to another doctor.....and got the same diagnosis. This 2nd doctor was the suppose to be the best doctor in the area for PCOS patients. She had several articles published in numerous medical journals & magazines on the subject. I trusted her & her opinion.She is also the same doctor who couldn't decide how much Metformin she wanted me to take. It went from 500mg once a day, to 500mg twice a day, then it was 500mg three times a day and finally it was 700mg twice a day. The 700mg literally felt like I was dying from the inside out. My body never adjusted to it and when I would take it, I would have to plan my day around where the nearest toilet was. However, I told this doctor visit after visit that my main goal was to one day have a baby. The doctor told me that I was "entirely too big" to have a baby and I needed to look into other alternatives. Add another dream crusher to the mix and Alicia keeps shoveling food down her throat. I finally had enough of that doctor after 5 years and I switched. There is a doctor in my home town that all of my female friends swear by. They all say she is the best doctor ever. What really made me want to give her a try was when I found out Cas was using her and she is currently pregnant with her 3rd child. Since, Cas was also once a PCOS patient and she is now not....I thought I'd give this new doctor a try. 

When I first found out I had PCOS, I cried. Constantly. Then I decided that I didn't really want kids so it didn't matter. I was minute I was telling my husband I wanted kids so bad & I was looking at baby stuff left & right. My friends & family always got the story that although I loved kids, I wasn't sure they were "for me." I told everyone, except my husband, this lie. Including myself. I was seriously convinced for years that kids were nice and all but I really didn't want any. Then I turned 27 and my biological clock went from a minor background annoyance to this huge, massive, clock doing jumping jacks in my direct line of sight. I realized that I wanted a baby and I wanted one BADLY. I also realized that I wanted one before I turned 30. Now, don't get me wrong, I think people who have their first child after 30 are totally fine & I see nothing wrong with it. However, I just don't think it's for me. I want my first one before 30 and then the rest can come whenever. 

So, here I am. I'm 27, I weigh 274lbs (currently) and stand 5'7". I'm doing this for 2 people....myself and the life of my future children. I refuse to be the over weight mom. I had one of those growing up...I know what it's like to want your mom to go outside and play with you, to run & ride play but all she can do is sit and watch. I hated that and I will NEVER be that to my children. Ever. 

Even if children don't happen for me...even if there is some underlying cause to my fertility issues and there's no chance I'll ever be a mother....then I want to be healthy for me. I want to enjoy a nice, long life with my wonderful husband. I want us to grow old & gray together. I want us to be that old couple you see that have been together 50 years and still hold hands & be in love like two teenagers.

Speaking of my husband....he has been my rock through all of this. He has stood by me, loved me and supported me through all of the uncertainties. When I broke down crying in the car and told him that if he wanted to divorce me if we couldn't have children, then I would understand. He just smiled at me and said "Babe, I didn't marry you for your ovaries. I married you for you. Yes, I want kids but if it isn't meant to be then that's fine as long as I have you." He's also the same man that says nothing when I go through my "OMG-WHAT-IF-IM-PREGNANT-AND-DONT-KNOW-IT?" fits and I get pregnancy test crazy. He doesn't let my over active imagination get the best of me...and on the rare times it does? He talks me off that ledge. I love you, snicker-fuck!


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Low Fat Brownie Bites

I've never been one to make stuff from scratch or with fresh veggies. I mean, my grocery shopping is 90% canned items. I've slowly started buying frozen veggies and I realize I like them a lot more. They have more flavor and taste a lot better. So the thought of me making brownies, from scratch, was completely new territory for me. I've always been a box mix kind of girl. However, with this whole weight loss thing I knew that box brownies & all other sweets were going to be very, very few and really far between.

Then my random sweet tooth attacked me.....which lead to me ferociously googling healthy dessert recipes. I came across quite a few. The first one (pina colada cupcakes) was TERRIBLE. My husband & I barely ate one cupcake and I threw the rest out along with the recipe. So I was a little nervous about the brownies. If they turned out as horrible as the cupcakes I was going to scrap all my healthy dessert recipes and rob the nearest gas station of all their Milky Ways & Twix.

The brownies called for just a few recipes and is really simple. Simple is good. I didn't start cooking until last year (I'm 27 now & I  avoided the stove like it was a carrier of the bubonic plague) so I like simple recipes.

The brownie bites called for:

  • 2 tbsp margarine
  • 1/3 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup cold water
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla
  • 1/2 cup flour
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 2 tbsp chopped walnuts
  • nonstick cooking spray
  • 1 tsp powdered sugar

  • I don't have the margarine in the picture because I used the last of mine on the brownies. Guess I need to pick some up this week...
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    Once you have all the ingredients together, things keep going easy as pie (or brownies, in this case).

    1. In a small saucepan: melt the margarine & remove from heat.
    2. Stir in sugar, vanilla & water.
    3. Stir in flour, cocoa powder & baking powder & mix well.
    4. Stir in the chopped walnuts.
    5. Spray the bottom of a 8x4x2 loaf pan with nonstick cooking spray & pour the batter in.

         6.  Bake at 350F for 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Mine actually cooked closer to 40 minutes before it was done.
         7. Cool thoroughly & remove from pan
         8. Cut into 8 bars, sprinkle with powdered sugar & serve!

    I was worried about how they would taste but considering my husband devoured his 4 bars in a few minutes & had powdered sugar all over him....I'd say they were good. Naturally, as soon as they were done I had no desire for chocolate & my sweet tooth had packed it's bags and left town. I've been nibbling on it the past day or so and it's really good. This is definitely a recipe that I will keep and make again.

    Obviously, I skipped the "cut into 8 bars part." There is only my husband and myself so I just cut the thing in

    The Totals
    Servings: 8
    Serving Size: 1/8th
    WW Points Plus: 3

    Until next time: